Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Sadistic Russian poetry
- Дети в подвале играли в больницу —
Умер от родов сантехник Синицын.
Kids in the basement were totally bored
Decided to role play maternity ward
Plumber Senitzin screamed for all he was worth
Died he, unfortunately, while giving birth - Дети в подвале играли в гестапо —
Зверски замучен сантехник Потапов.
Kids in the basement were playing Gestapo.
Tortured to death was plumber Potapov.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Monday, December 13, 2010
Vaad HaTznius - Washing
From Harry's Black Hole email.
The following statement has just been released by the Vaad Ha Tznius:
The Vaad Ha Tznius has just issued the following guidelines regarding laundry. It has come to our attention that many families, including those who pride themselves on following all aspects of halacha, are regularly not conforming to proper Tznius guidelines. Unbelievably, many, many families are washing men's and women's clothing together at the same time in the same washing machine. This is an unprecedented breach of Tznius!!! How could anyone think that one is allowed to wash men's and women's undergarments at the same time in the same washing load?!!! What has our nation come to when people have fallen to such a low level? For shame!!! This practice must stop!!! Given this we are issuing the following guidelines regarding the doing of laundry.
1. Ideally each observant home should have two washing machines and two dryers - one washing machine and one dryer should be used exclusively for men's clothing and the other washing machine and dryer should be used exclusively for women's clothing.
2. In the event that a family cannot afford to have two washing machines and two dryers, the following rules should be adhered to. ... See More
a. Under no circumstances should men's clothes be in the same machine as women's clothing. They should, of course, also be dried separately.
b. After doing a load of men's clothing, one should run the washing machine through a complete cycle without any clothes in it. Then one may wash women's clothing in this machine. The same procedure should, of course, be followed after washing a load of women's clothing, namely, run a complete cycle without any clothes in the machine. Then one may wash men's clothing in the machine.
c. After drying a load of men's clothing the dryer should be allowed to cool off completely. After this, one may use the dryer for drying women's clothes. The same applies after drying a load of women's clothing before using the dryer for men's clothing. It is not enough to let the dryer cool below Yad So Ledas Bo. The dryer must be completely cooled off.
Our forefathers lived in a land that was between two rivers - the Tigris and the Euphrates. The reason is obvious to anyone who thinks into it a bit. One river was used to wash women's clothing and the other to wash men's clothing. Surely we can continue this tradition by observing the rules stated above. We are confident that everyone who takes Yahadus seriously will abide by the guidelines stated above.
With Torah greetings,
The Vaad Ha Tznius
The following statement has just been released by the Vaad Ha Tznius:
The Vaad Ha Tznius has just issued the following guidelines regarding laundry. It has come to our attention that many families, including those who pride themselves on following all aspects of halacha, are regularly not conforming to proper Tznius guidelines. Unbelievably, many, many families are washing men's and women's clothing together at the same time in the same washing machine. This is an unprecedented breach of Tznius!!! How could anyone think that one is allowed to wash men's and women's undergarments at the same time in the same washing load?!!! What has our nation come to when people have fallen to such a low level? For shame!!! This practice must stop!!! Given this we are issuing the following guidelines regarding the doing of laundry.
1. Ideally each observant home should have two washing machines and two dryers - one washing machine and one dryer should be used exclusively for men's clothing and the other washing machine and dryer should be used exclusively for women's clothing.
2. In the event that a family cannot afford to have two washing machines and two dryers, the following rules should be adhered to. ... See More
a. Under no circumstances should men's clothes be in the same machine as women's clothing. They should, of course, also be dried separately.
b. After doing a load of men's clothing, one should run the washing machine through a complete cycle without any clothes in it. Then one may wash women's clothing in this machine. The same procedure should, of course, be followed after washing a load of women's clothing, namely, run a complete cycle without any clothes in the machine. Then one may wash men's clothing in the machine.
c. After drying a load of men's clothing the dryer should be allowed to cool off completely. After this, one may use the dryer for drying women's clothes. The same applies after drying a load of women's clothing before using the dryer for men's clothing. It is not enough to let the dryer cool below Yad So Ledas Bo. The dryer must be completely cooled off.
Our forefathers lived in a land that was between two rivers - the Tigris and the Euphrates. The reason is obvious to anyone who thinks into it a bit. One river was used to wash women's clothing and the other to wash men's clothing. Surely we can continue this tradition by observing the rules stated above. We are confident that everyone who takes Yahadus seriously will abide by the guidelines stated above.
With Torah greetings,
The Vaad Ha Tznius
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Частушки
Рыбка плавает в томате,
Ей в томате хорошо,
Только я, едрена матерь,
Места в жизни не нашел.
Fish in thick tomato sauce
Swims in happy comatose,
Only me, pathetic wimp,
Have no fucking place to swim.
По реке плывет топор из села Чугуева,
Ну и пусть себе плывет железяка ...
Down the river drifts an axe from the town of Byron,
Let it float by itself- fucking piece of iron!!!
Я лежала с Коленькой совершенно голенькой,
Потому что для красы я сняла с себя трусы.
I was sleeping with my honey absolutely naked;
I have taken off my panties just to make a statement.
С неба звездочка упала
Прямо милому в штаны,
Пусть горит там, что попало,
Лишь бы не было войны.
Starlet's fallen from the heavens right into my boyfriend's briefs,
I don't mind his roasted penis if it helps us live in peace.
Ей в томате хорошо,
Только я, едрена матерь,
Места в жизни не нашел.
Fish in thick tomato sauce
Swims in happy comatose,
Only me, pathetic wimp,
Have no fucking place to swim.
По реке плывет топор из села Чугуева,
Ну и пусть себе плывет железяка ...
Down the river drifts an axe from the town of Byron,
Let it float by itself- fucking piece of iron!!!
Я лежала с Коленькой совершенно голенькой,
Потому что для красы я сняла с себя трусы.
I was sleeping with my honey absolutely naked;
I have taken off my panties just to make a statement.
С неба звездочка упала
Прямо милому в штаны,
Пусть горит там, что попало,
Лишь бы не было войны.
Starlet's fallen from the heavens right into my boyfriend's briefs,
I don't mind his roasted penis if it helps us live in peace.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Why is California broke?
From an email from frum skeptic.
California vs. Arizona
California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog
along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor
and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor starts to intervene but reflects upon the
movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is
only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for
relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting
checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite
wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish &
Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of
dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a
"coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to
better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease
throughout the world.
8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the
attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.
9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and
train a new security agent with additional special training
re: the nature of coyotes.
10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against
the State.
Arizona: The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a
nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol
and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP
hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that’s why California is broke.
California vs. Arizona
California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog
along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor
and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor starts to intervene but reflects upon the
movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is
only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for
relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting
checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite
wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish &
Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of
dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a
"coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to
better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease
throughout the world.
8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the
attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.
9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and
train a new security agent with additional special training
re: the nature of coyotes.
10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against
the State.
Arizona: The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a
nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol
and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP
hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that’s why California is broke.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Reading Heiroglyphics
From an email:
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left...
It says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick!"
It says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick!"
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Being Jewish
From email from Harry's Black Hole:
Being Jewish.
===========
Q: What is a Jewish menage-a-trois
A: Two headaches and an erection.
Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Q: How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A: She has a headache with the postman.
Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours.
Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.
Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff.
Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all.
Q: Define 'genius'
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
Q: What do you call someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A: A meshuggener.
Q: What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast?
A: The tip of the iceberg.
Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman?
A: A Mercedes Benz 500SL convertible.
Jewish proverb: 'A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave.'
Being Jewish.
===========
Q: What is a Jewish menage-a-trois
A: Two headaches and an erection.
Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Q: How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A: She has a headache with the postman.
Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours.
Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.
Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff.
Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all.
Q: Define 'genius'
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
Q: What do you call someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A: A meshuggener.
Q: What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast?
A: The tip of the iceberg.
Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman?
A: A Mercedes Benz 500SL convertible.
Jewish proverb: 'A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave.'
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Ban #23940 - Biblical names
It is assur to give your children names from Torah because goyim do it too. You should only give your children Yiddish names, otherwise they'll go off the derech and intermarry with goyim with biblical names whom they will find on FaceBook.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Inner Peace
From an email from Harry's Black Hole:
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies , tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies , tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.
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